Have a great weekend. If anybody's thinking about going to see My Bloody Valentine 3D, call me.
01-29-2009
These Dorks
Posted by Matt
Last night Lena came over to take the online Jeopardy test. I decided to play too, just because I was bored. And, as irony would dictate, I ended up doing way better than she did and being offered a spot on Jeopardy. Oh wait. Nevermind. That didn't happen at all. In fact, she smoked me. I didn't get a single question right and I threw a temper-tantrum and made her tell me over and over again that a silly little thing like a survey of general information was no decent indicator of one's knowledge. She then told me that I was in fact like ten times smarter than her and I, in turn, told her that, ok then, fine, she didn't have to like leave my house immediately and return all the diamond necklaces and gold rings.
Anyway, today I have to wash my clothes, pay my rent and buy toilet paper which are like my least three favorite things in the world to do. So I'm just going to leave you with some tidbits.
Dating A Banker Anonymous. The blog. Have you heard of it yet? Duh. Awesome.
And apparently these dorks are trying to petition NBC to replace Alex Trebek with Geordi La Forge. Whatever.
01-28-2009
Movie Of The Year
Posted by Matt
The Unborn. Seriously. Srsly. Check it out.
Combine: One nasty anorexic female lead. Two Uber-Annoying BFFs. One four-year old who slashes at said lead with a mirror and then, later in film, stabs BFFs to delight of audience. Spice dish with random scenes of a dog and an old man's heads rotating in full circles with clumsiest CGI ever. Add one unexplained Holocaust tie-in that turns out to be the movie's driving plot device. Then, for good measure, end film with a cameo of Gary Oldman as a rabbi.
Oh yes. Zach and I almost got kicked out of the theater for being "disorderly." But then again, everyone there was laughing straight through the movie. Don't believe me?
01-26-2009
Creative Grooming
Posted by Matt
I just got in touch again with one of my best, best buddies Tristan. He's like so top 5. Although, I must say, he did start off his email by telling me that his New Year's Resolution was to stay in better contact with close friends, and that he'd been really good about it, and that he'd started by writing old friend X, and then he'd written old friend Y, and then so-and-so, and ex-girlfriends A, B, C, and on-and-on until such-and-such letter, and that now, in late January, he was so excited to write me a letter. So I guess that puts me at place 26 on Tristan's rolodex, myspace, facebook, twitter, Bear 411, whatever. Oh well.
I asked him what he'd been up to the last six months and he was like, well, I found this link. It's a grooming service for poodles. And I was like, That's it? Six months and all you've done is find a link? And he was like, Well, maybe you ought to check out the link.
Poodle As Dragon
Poodle As Peacock
Poodle As Camel
Woman As Salome, Famed Medieval Seductress Of The Desert
Poodle As Ninja Turtle
01-24-2009
Groovy Times
Posted by Matt
Hey, folks. I'm sorry the blog's been down for a while. I'm sorry, ok? I was, you know, out making history in DC. So I didn't really have time for you guys. Whatever.
But, to make it up, I'm gonna tell you alllllllll about it. With photos. Because I just got my first digital camera. And can we change things on this blog? Insert painfully obvious joke here.
Soooo, let's start at the beginning. Which is to say that Lena's dad was asked to be in the inaugural parade. And so we all bundled up in the car and drove to DC together. When we left Illinois it looked like this:
And when we arrived in DC it looked like this:
Before the car ride started, we got our books together for a little road trip study hall. I got my reading glasses and my dictionary out to thumb through this challenging but essential tome:
And Lena, the big old poseur, cracked this guy open:
As if! Not to brag or anything, but I think that by the time the car ride was over I knew a lot more about teen girls and baseball than she did about Obama. But then again, maybe that's because we watched like 6 hours of Gossip Girl on the dual-screen DVD player in the car. Those things are amazing.
So what did we see? Well, let's try freekin' BEYONCE and U2 and Bruce Springsteen and Garth Brooks in concert for starters. Chyeah!
Who were the moderators? Only, like, uhhhh, the most famous people in the world like Jack Black, Queen Latifah, George Lopez and that guy from Harold and Kumar.
And who did I watch it with? Just my favorite buddies from the FBI.
Yeah, they freekin' love Beyonce. They had their binoculars out and everything.
After the concert was over we checked out some of the local museums. At the Native American museum they had some live bands going and people were dancing it up.
It's a really great museum. It's four floors and the first two are dedicated to selling you authentic Native American museum food and authentic Native American jigsaw puzzles and beach towels and coasters. I had a Navajo Cheese Danish and an Aztec Macchiato. It was totally worth $15. Especially because while we were waiting in line a mother and daughter team decided to go separate ways, and the mother was worried that the girl didn't have her cell phone on, so as the girl was leaving the mother screamed at the top of her voice: "DON'T FORGET TO TURN YOUR VIBRATOR ON!!!!" And the girl looked back indignantly and screamed, "GAWD, MOM! I WON'T! I ALWAYS KEEP MY VIBRATOR ON! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?!" And everyone waiting in line almost had a seizure trying not to laugh.
This was like one of five "artifacts" the museum had. It's a statue. It's called The Bear And The Wolf Don't Exactly Trust The Guy On The Left.
So, was it crowded for the inauguration? Chyeah!
But did we party? Chyeah!
And Why?
01-12-2009
Check Out The Build-A-Bear Cards
Posted by Matt
These are hot, right? Here's mine. It's not in the mix.
1) who cares
2) who cares
3) who cares
4) who cares
5) who cares
6) The excellent books from Eye Rocket Books, especially the brilliant and extremely disturbing "Diamonds" and the incredible "Works Cited." Matt Kessler and Zach Huelsing should totally be getting grants from the Center for Book Arts.
7) who cares
8) who cares
9) who cares
10) who cares
01-07-2009
Believe
Posted by Matt
6 of 154 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars Why do people think the economy is bad?, December 15, 2008
By Sam Wood "Sam" (Carthage, IL) - See all my reviews
I keep hearing people talking about how the economy is bad, and I really have no idea what they mean. Every week I go out to Red Lobster and eat breaded shrimp, then go to Border's and buy the newest books about Jesus and the apostles, and every week I have more money in my bank account than the week before. Also, I have all of the latest CDs and DVDs and sometimes I buy gold coins at the coin shop downtown because I like how they feel in my shirt pocket. So based on my experience, I have to conclude that everyone talking about the economy being bad is lying. Or, maybe they really don't have much money, but that is because they are wicked and have rejected Jesus.
You cannot expect to live a life of whoredom and devilment and for Jesus to subsidize your fornications. Jesus helps those who believe Him and worship him, so if you believe in the false doctrine of evolution or voted for Obama do not expect help from Him. Also, do not wish people "happy holidays" instead of merry christmas and stop laughing at the glory of god, lest he smite you and your savings account. Stop making all of the holy martyrs of Christ angry and maybe you'll have more money, Jesus has to take care of his own flock first so repent and stop cursing the works of god.
01-04-2009
I don't know, let me ask my supervisor
Posted by Matt
This is a funny story Lena told me last night. She works part-time at a maternity clothing store and yesterday a woman came up to the register and asked if her fake boobs would get bigger now that she was pregnant.
Lena didn't know so she had to ask her supervisor.
Happy 2009!
12-30-2008
What's Up With That Cow?
Posted by Matt
Wow, everything that's good about pop music in one short four-minute song. With screaming and simulated strangulation.
Plus this weird pig/cow.
12-23-2008
Out Sick
Posted by Matt
Sorry the blog's been out of commission, recently. I've been out sick for a week and Zach's been living it up in freekin' 80 degree weather in Brazil. Uhh, hello Zach, just because you're on a once-in-a-lifetime vacation to Brazil doesn't mean that people have stopped wanting needing to watch funny youtube clips, you know? They've got internet in Brazil. That's where they shot that 2 girls 1 cup thing that you made me and Lena watch. Remember?
This article about the emergence of photographic calling cards in late 19th century England is awesome. Queen Victoria's smoking hot!
Here's the quote I like. In England the fashion of using studio photographs as visiting cards emerged in the mid-1800s after the publication of an album featuring the visiting cards of the British royal family. "Queen Victoria herself started to collect the cards of all the 'best ladies and their husbands," said Nicola Kuok.
12-08-2008
Renegade Was Fun!
Posted by Matt
Thanks to everyone that came out! Tim at Strange Closets wrote a nice round-up of the event. He took this photo below. That's Me and Lena.
About Todd's he wrote: A question for my readers, are the handmade products at Renegade a leading or lagging indicator of new trends? Because I just can't imagine that trading cards of your favorite adult video stars will be showing up in Elle Decor and filtering down to the Target clearance in typical fashion. But I could be wrong. We shall find out because the soon to be released Todd's Favorite Adult Actors and Their Favorite Flowers by Eye Rocket Books will be testing the waters.
Then we showed him a copy of Works Cited. Here's what he had to say: [Eye Rocket is] actually creating McSweeney's-esque packages. Also by Eye Rocket Books, this is a packet of stuff "found" at a school. But they created everything. Awesome huh? I love this concept. What an incredible and unexpected gift. It's Theatre of the Ephemera.
12-05-2008
Eye Rocket Video Conference
Posted by Matt
We always discuss really important stuff. Sometimes these meetings last for hours.
12-04-2008
Tis The Season...
Posted by Matt
For advent calendars. Check out this rad calendar my good friend Jill made for her b/f Daniel. Nice!
12-03-2008
PAAAAARRRRRTTTTY!!!!
Posted by Matt
If you're in Chicago, please join us for the release of our new zine Todd's Favorite Adult Actors And Their Favorite Flowers at No Coast on Thursday, Dec 11th at 7 pm! We will be celebrating with a Build-A-Bear party. Let me explain: If you attend the party, you will have the opportunity to participate in a photo shoot with Monsieurs Huelsing and Kessler and will be transformed into a hairy, muscular adult actor. This moment will be lovingly commemorated in a collectible trading card for all your friends and, ahem, lovers to see. So join us!
